Marriott to Stop Peddling Porn to Charlie Sheen

Recently I was commissioned to do a private case involving infidelity. The case is now closed, so I am free to  divulge the gritty details, per the fine print of the contract duly signed by the client. Because the National Enquirer and the New York Times both refused to pay, I offer them here:

DIRTY LAUNDRY

Charlie Sheen's ex-wife asked me last July to uncover why her husband turned suddenly frigid. "We really enjoyed the sex, I mean, like it was pretty hot," she confided," "but now he's as celibate as a returned Mormon missionary door-to-door Popsicle salesman."

The operation took just a week, and the news was so stunning to her that she divorced him.

It seems he had struck up an innocent enough chat with a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints while in line at the local McDonald's one early Saturday morning. This new 'friend' gave him a free copy of the Book of Mormon. The ancient volume of scripture is about polygamists in America, before Columbus.

B. C. PORN  

He was so fascinated by the salacious stories therein that he agreed to hear discussions about Joseph Smith (27 wives) and Brigham Young (57 wives) in a casual open-air setting. The missionaries met with him at MacArthur Park each weekend (weather permitting) until he committed to become a member of that fourteen million member church.

Unfortunately, most Mormons today have a dreary sex life, and even have a whole section of hymns to soothe their emptiness of heart. Mr. Sheen, (now Brother Sheen) stopped his sexual encounters during a short vacation with his wife, while reading the Book of Mormon, and she gave him the ultimatum: "Sex with me or life with the Mormons!" He chose the latter.

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."  -Jim Carrey

Chalk one up for the Latter-day Saints. A church that has the power to change the hearts of men earning less than five million a year. For any readers earning more, you needn't change your lifestyle at all. The church tent is now big enough to accept all manner of perversions, so long as the media doesn't scrutinize. Mormons always buckle when the going gets tough.

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